three months.

Dear Mattias,
Today you are three months old. Except for the fact that you are giant baby, this doesn't seem at all possible. But alas, it is.  You are three months old. And baby, you've made these three months so great. So much better than I thought possible.

Simply put? You are an easy baby. You hang out in your bouncy seat or swing when you're awake. You eat like a champ. You sleep. Oh, you sleep. So much better than  your sister. I've done a few things differently this time around (like not shoot out of bed the second you make the slightest sound) but mostly, I think it's just you. You are chill. You sleep when you're tired. You eat when you're hungry. And otherwise, you're happy to just hang out. You do have trouble falling asleep for the night. It can often be an hour (or two) (or three) of repeatedly going back to rock you or pat your bum, but really, that feels like nothing compared to how easy going you are the rest of the day.



You are already a sweet little brother. You are half terrified, half madly in love with your sister. She loves you. She really does. And sometimes she shows you that with hugs and kisses and cuddles. Other times, she shows you that by piling shoes on top of your head or chucking toys at you. In any case, she means well and it seems you know that. I can't wait until you two can really play together. I hope you'll be the best of friends.

My favorite thing about you so far is your smile. Baby boy, you light up like a million twinkle lights when you smile. When you smile, you smile with your whole face, your whole body. Your eyes twinkle. Your cheeks swell. Your arms squish up under your chin. You are a happy boy and anyone that can see you, can see that. I wanted to think I was above needing to see you smile. That I could give tirelessly without getting anything back, but I'm not. Being on the receiving end of your smiles has made all the difference. You give them freely- in the middle of the night, during diaper changes, abruptly, after a tear-filled cry- and I accept them gratefully. They have bonded me to you, sweet boy.

Mattias, I am so happy you are here and that you are part of our family. We feel so complete. Maybe one day we'll add to our family (but maybe not), but for now, you have made us whole.

I love you, precious boy.

Just me and her.

 

I mentioned in my post last week that Chris and I have a good teamwork system going with the kids. It's only been natural that I mostly take Mattias and he takes Meredith. He does bedtime for Meredith most nights now. When I had my good friend in town last week, Mattias crashed our girl time, while Meredith and Chris enjoyed some quality daddy-daughter time. I was really worried when I was pregnant that I wouldn't get the same amount of quality time with Mattias that I had with Meredith when she was a newborn. Between babywearing, early morning co-sleeping, Meredith's one day at preschool each week and the hours logged nursing, I haven't seen that fear come to pass. I have felt like Mattias has gotten a pretty decent amount of one-on-one attention. It wasn't until this weekend that I realized it was Meredith and me that haven't gotten that same quality one-on-one attention since Mattias's birth. Actually, aside from in the house while Mattias is napping, we haven't had any mommy-daughter time since he was born.

On Saturday, I decided Meredith was overdue for a haircut. We found a place and took the plunge. I hovered nearby and watched as my baby girl aged five years right before my very eyes. After the cut, we went to Starbucks for a treat of "chockie milk." As we stood in the long line, I caught myself squatting down at her height hugging and kissing her as if it were my last ever chance to do so. And that's when it dawned on me that, after over two years of it almost always being just me and her, it hadn't been just me and her for three months. That's when I decided we wouldn't head straight home as we had planned, but would instead prolong our outing and get a car wash.

Meredith loves the car wash. She can watch each step of the cleaning process, getting slightly misted in the process, and there's free popcorn. I loved the car wash because it was 30 minutes of just me and her. I kissed her cheeks until my lips were chapped and marveled at how big she is. I soaked up her sweetness and the way it takes so very little to make my little girl happy.

I texted Chris as were wrapping up that he had no idea how happy he had made me by taking Mattias for the morning so we could have an outing just us. Those two hours healed me. They healed a little tiny hole that I hadn't even realized was there. My firstborn will always be my firstborn. There is something that is just so special about her- the girl who made me a mom. And while I thank God everyday that I now have a baby boy as well, Saturday, with my best girl, was just what I needed.

eating popcorn is serious business

on being a mama of two.

I've been a mama to two babies for nearly three months now. These are early days still and yet I can't quite believe it's been that long. It seems like only yesterday I was carrying a watermelon in my belly and waddling down the street. Every time I dared schlep myself out the door, there seemed to be one person or another telling me how hard life was about to get. How crazy it would be. How exhausted I would feel. How everything would be harder. People would say it in passing, or in jest, but it infuriated me. How is that helpful? Baby number two was well on his way and there was no turning back at that point. So since those late pregnancy (admittedly, hormonal) days, I've been eager to write this post, to tell you that all those naysayers were wrong.

And truthfully, I can. But also truthfully, I can't. Having two little ones is hard. To me hard isn't really the right word. I guess I would say more like nonstop. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that days go by when I haven't opened my computer. Of course, I do stay somewhat connected with my iPhone. Thank the good Steve Jobs for that. But computer time is my time. The time when I zone out and catch up on blogs and, once upon a time, actually commented on them. So when I haven't opened my computer in a while, I know life has been busy. Busy. That word that is fitting for two. Someone is almost always needing something. Frequently I am bouncing a tired baby while tossing a toy to Meredith. Or nursing a baby and grabbing a snack for the toddler. And while before, on the weekends or at night, one of us could catch a breather while the other played with Meredith, now we're both always on duty until nap or bedtime. So, yes, I think it's safe to say I'm more tired these days.

But what I can tell you about the hard parts, is that they don't nearly outweigh the good. It's the same as when you had one tiny newborn to take care of. Those nights that you rocked, and rocked, and rocked that little babe, crying from frustration that they wouldn't sleep and then they would smile, or finally soothe and you'd forget all that came before. I have hard moments, but mostly, it's just good and that's what I remember. Not a day has gone by that I don't feel immeasurably blessed by being part of this family of four.

I get to experience the baby stage all over again and I stress much less about schedules and "Is he breathing?" and "Am I reading to him enough?" (Whyyyyy did I worry about that?) Because of that I am much better able to just enjoy it. I marvel at him, knowing that this stage will pass cruelly fast.

I get to see the beginning bond of a brother and sister. My brother is one of the most special people to me and I can see that forming in Meredith. She has adored him since day one. Sure, she has to learn what gentle truly means, but she loves him. Lately, she sits in front of him at his bouncer and says, "Hug? Ok." "Dance? Ok" and then makes his leg dance. Mattias lights up when he sees her and she gets some of his biggest smiles.

I've experienced more support from Chris than I can remember experiencing ever before. I was afraid that the added busyness and stress would hurt us, but in fact, it's helped.

And sometimes, more than ever before, I just feel proud of myself. Proud of myself on the days that we're all dressed and cleaned and fed. Proud of myself that I get us all out the door for fresh air or a playdate. 

The bottom line, is that, at the end of the day, I have another person in my life teaching me about unconditional love, enriching my life with smiles and coos and cuddles. Another person I get to watch develop and grow. So, yes, having two has changed us. But, trust me, it's good. So good. There's a reason people keep on making babies.

Thanksgiving weekend

Phew! We had quite a weekend.

There was just something about hosting our first Thanksgiving, making (and carving!) our first turkey that really made me feel grown up. Having two kids and taking them on little adventures also has that effect on me.

This weekend was the perfect balance of laying low and getting out to explore. We set up the Christmas tree and enjoyed some TV. We ate out and ate leftovers. We found a new hiking spot. We trekked up to San Francisco. Mostly, we just enjoyed being together.

Happy Thanksgiving.

This year we won't be traveling for the holidays. Not for Thanksgiving or Christmas. We won't be with extended family for either holiday. Part of me is sad about this. Another part of me, a bigger part, is happy.

Happy to avoid the chaos and cost of holiday travel, yes, but more, I am excited to begin our own traditions. I am excited to take the traditions passed down to us and meld them into something that is our own. We will watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade and make the foods I grew up eating. But instead of my parents' dressing, we'll make Chris's parents'. We'll add corn to the table. We'll savor the pies I've watched my own mom make countless times, but with my own spin- a braided crust and lattice top. And instead of being surrounded by our own parents and siblings, we'll be surrounded by each other, our two babies and new friends.

I love Thanksgiving. I love the extra emphasis on gratitude, for there is always much to be thankful for. I love spending time baking. I love all the food that you only eat a couple times a year.  And for us, I love this chance to make it ours. I have such fond memories of Thanksgiving growing up. Watching the parade and then watching The Miracle on 34th Street after. Observing my parents work their magic in the kitchen. Seeing my parents open their home to friends- other people who, for whatever reason, weren't spending the day with family. I remember some quirky yearly attendees- weird, but it wasn't Thanksgiving without them. I remember loving the chance to have a day off, in the middle of the week, to spend extra time with my siblings.

Having chance to create the same for my children is such a blessing. Today I baked pies all day and encouraged Meredith to help. I was so excited for her to be a part of such a happy tradition. As I cut the extra dough from the first pie, I got so excited to make her the same treat my mom made for us.
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Of course, she thought it was disgusting and didn't understand what all my fuss was about, but we've started.
    We've started making memories surrounding special days. Hopefully one day, she'll look forward to a day of baking with mom and the next day filled with food and friends. And hopefully one day after that, she'll look forward to days of baking with her children and opening her own home to friends (and maybe her ol' mom and dad).

It's fun to think about all that- what the future might hold for this little family of mine, but today and tomorrow I am focusing on what I am thankful for. This cup of mine is filled to overflowing- from the smallest of details to the biggest of gifts. I am blessed.

So wherever you are this year- enjoying an age old tradition, or beginning a new one, spending time with family, old friends or new- I wish you a very Happy Thanksgiving.

And just because he's cute: