A few weeks ago now, the city I've come to call home was hit with terribly tragedy. Two bombs brought one of the best days of the year to a screeching halt. A few people died, many, many people were injured and even more than that were faced with crushed dreams and a lost sense of security. It was a painful day for both Bostonians and people across the country.
I was horrified, of course, when I heard the news. I was scared for several of my friends who I knew were running or out watching. Thankfully they were all safe and my mother-in-law, who works right near one of the blast sites, wasn't in the office that day. Once I knew they were all ok, I felt slightly relieved. The distance kept me a bit emotionally removed.
But then Friday happened. Watertown was on lockdown. And while I have countless memories in the city of Boston and had actually watched the marathon with Meredith two years prior right across from where the bombing happpened, Watertown is much closer to home. I graduated high school a town away. My parents lived about a mile away from where the shoot out had happened. I turned on the news to reporters standing in front of the Panera I've eaten at countless times and Governor Patrick doing a press conference in front of my Target. It became personal then.
When Chris came in late Thursday night and told me there was a suspect loose in Watertown, my heart was gripped in fear. I thought of a close family friend, a second mom, really, who lives there. I thought of one of my close high school friends with a new baby who lives there. I was so scared. I prayed. I checked facebook. I slept restlessly. I woke to see my friends were safe, at least for then.
As Friday unfolded, I was glued to the television and to social media. I checked Twitter probably hundreds of times, desperate to hear news of the suspect's capture. All day long, I had a pit in my stomach and then finally, when it seemed like maybe he was long gone, they found him.
I felt relieved, but also, not really. My stomach was in knots and I was nauseous. I was glad that the suspect was found and that he couldn't do more damage. But I didn't suddenly feel safer. At some point I accidentally clicked on a link that led me to see the first suspect's corpse. You can't unsee that and I never wanted to see it in the first place. After a day of being way too connected to media, I was fried.
There is something painful about hearing of terrible news stories or personal tragedies and not being able to do anything about it. Once upon a time, we would have only known about the pain people within our community were suffering through. Now, we hear about so much pain, near and far. Of course, there are benefits to this- people with no resources and no access to resources, can hopefully receive some. But sometimes it's just too much.
And for me, on Friday night, it had become too much. I erased Twitter and Facebook from my phone. Maybe not the most obvious course of action for what I was feeling, but it was necessary. I needed to stop reading about other people's lives for a bit, being so distracted by people far away. I needed to just focus on my husband and my children and my friends.
The internet is real. I have a few very real friends that I would never have met were it not for blogging and social media. But I just needed a break. A break from the incessant checking, updating, waiting.
That was more than two weeks ago and I can't believe how little I've missed it. I've checked both just a couple times- mostly when plans were being organized through facebook or to check up on news from new mama friends, friends waiting to have their babies or my dad who was traveling. Otherwise, I haven't been on and I really feel no worse for it.
In fact, I would say it's dramatically changed my daily life for good. I feel so much more present with my family. Because I have less to check on on my phone, I just don't check it as much. I actually find myself wondering where I left it, only to discover it's been hours since I last picked it up. This is not the norm for me. I have friends who will lose their phone or not respond to a text for hours. It's always baffled me a little- like, how have you not looked at your phone a million times since then?? But maybe I get it now.
The thing that has surprised me most is how different parenting has been. I have been more patient. Because I'm looking at my phone at more natural break times in my day (when nursing, during naps, etc), I'm not getting as frustrated when they are interrupting me. When Meredith is needing something and feels like she needs it NOW, I am better able to talk her through asking for it appropriately because I'm more present. Instead of dealing with the after affects of a tantrum, I'm more able to help her avoid one altogether.
Now, I'm obviously not saying deleting Facebook and Twitter have made me a perfect mom. Far from it. I'm just very surprised that it's made any difference at all, let alone such a marked one. I'm also not saying that I think everyone should do this. I love Twitter. I really do. Facebook is more of a love/hate relationship that sucks me in, but I think both have lots of good things about them. I love the community I've found through Twitter and I love that Facebook allows me to stay connected to family and friends far away. So, I'm not sure what the future holds for my relationship with both of them. I just know that for now this break is good. I needed it and I think my family needed it too.
