on being a mama of two.

I've been a mama to two babies for nearly three months now. These are early days still and yet I can't quite believe it's been that long. It seems like only yesterday I was carrying a watermelon in my belly and waddling down the street. Every time I dared schlep myself out the door, there seemed to be one person or another telling me how hard life was about to get. How crazy it would be. How exhausted I would feel. How everything would be harder. People would say it in passing, or in jest, but it infuriated me. How is that helpful? Baby number two was well on his way and there was no turning back at that point. So since those late pregnancy (admittedly, hormonal) days, I've been eager to write this post, to tell you that all those naysayers were wrong.

And truthfully, I can. But also truthfully, I can't. Having two little ones is hard. To me hard isn't really the right word. I guess I would say more like nonstop. It dawned on me a few weeks ago that days go by when I haven't opened my computer. Of course, I do stay somewhat connected with my iPhone. Thank the good Steve Jobs for that. But computer time is my time. The time when I zone out and catch up on blogs and, once upon a time, actually commented on them. So when I haven't opened my computer in a while, I know life has been busy. Busy. That word that is fitting for two. Someone is almost always needing something. Frequently I am bouncing a tired baby while tossing a toy to Meredith. Or nursing a baby and grabbing a snack for the toddler. And while before, on the weekends or at night, one of us could catch a breather while the other played with Meredith, now we're both always on duty until nap or bedtime. So, yes, I think it's safe to say I'm more tired these days.

But what I can tell you about the hard parts, is that they don't nearly outweigh the good. It's the same as when you had one tiny newborn to take care of. Those nights that you rocked, and rocked, and rocked that little babe, crying from frustration that they wouldn't sleep and then they would smile, or finally soothe and you'd forget all that came before. I have hard moments, but mostly, it's just good and that's what I remember. Not a day has gone by that I don't feel immeasurably blessed by being part of this family of four.

I get to experience the baby stage all over again and I stress much less about schedules and "Is he breathing?" and "Am I reading to him enough?" (Whyyyyy did I worry about that?) Because of that I am much better able to just enjoy it. I marvel at him, knowing that this stage will pass cruelly fast.

I get to see the beginning bond of a brother and sister. My brother is one of the most special people to me and I can see that forming in Meredith. She has adored him since day one. Sure, she has to learn what gentle truly means, but she loves him. Lately, she sits in front of him at his bouncer and says, "Hug? Ok." "Dance? Ok" and then makes his leg dance. Mattias lights up when he sees her and she gets some of his biggest smiles.

I've experienced more support from Chris than I can remember experiencing ever before. I was afraid that the added busyness and stress would hurt us, but in fact, it's helped.

And sometimes, more than ever before, I just feel proud of myself. Proud of myself on the days that we're all dressed and cleaned and fed. Proud of myself that I get us all out the door for fresh air or a playdate. 

The bottom line, is that, at the end of the day, I have another person in my life teaching me about unconditional love, enriching my life with smiles and coos and cuddles. Another person I get to watch develop and grow. So, yes, having two has changed us. But, trust me, it's good. So good. There's a reason people keep on making babies.