20.

Dearest little Meredith,
Today you are 20 months old. 20 Months! It's been a while since one of your monthly milestones felt so significant and yet, 20 months isn't considered a big milestone month. But 20? 20 is awfully close to 24. And when you are 24 months old, you will also be two years old and that seems darn near impossible. But for now, I am past feeling sad about the passage of time because you truly, truly, truly get better and better everyday.

One day I will play you a song and this song has the line: I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. Before you were part of my life, I always thought of your daddy when I heard these words. I still do, but now you are in my thoughts as well.

So 20 months, my sweet girl is fun. You are learning at least one new word every day. I am so proud of how many risks you are taking with trying new sounds, when I wouldn't describe you as the world's wildest risk-taker. Airplane! Choo-choo! Bird! Book! Baby! Milk! Apple! Night-night! Helloooo? Noooooo! Mama! Baba! Car! Truck! Yuck! Wooosh (for swing)! These are just a sampling of the things you say. Some of your favorites.

Your favorite things right now are Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh, trains, cars, airplanes, trucks and birds. You have this unreal ability to spot an airplane so far away it is merely a speck in the big blue sky. You hear trucks or cars driving by and run to our big front window to watch them cruise on.

My favorite thing that you do right now is Eskimo kisses. You grab my face in both your hands, draw me in to your face and turn your head back and forth, back and forth, only our noses touching. You'll also wrestle me to the ground in the name of a hug. Sometimes the grabbing of my face results in a big, wet kiss. Your affection is what gets me through these tiring, pregnant days. You also love pushing your daddy's and my faces together so we kiss.

 I love learning more about you and figuring out more about your personality. You are a mixture of both your parents. You have your dad's sense of humor and easy way of laughing. You love being silly. You have my shy streak, for which I am so very sorry. It's hard being shy and I can see how nervous you get in big social settings. But when you are comfortable- oh, how you light up the room like your daddy.

I marvel at how big you are becoming. You have become so proficient with spoons and forks. You sit, even without a high chair, like a little lady enjoying your meal. Today you woke up from your nap, marched directly over to your dresser and picked out a skirt and pair of pants that you wanted to put on over your leggings. You have these opinions- your favorite books, your favorite tv character, that it is time right! now! to go outside, that it is not! time for bed yet. While I imagine these things might cause us to butt heads one day, right now I just love to get a little sneak peek into your mind.

Meredith, capturing you, in words feels a challenge too great for me. One day I hope you'll read this and know that your baba and your mama loved you when you were 20 months old. That we spent the hours after you went to bed talking about the funny and clever things you did during the day. That we crept into your room every night before heading to sleep ourselves for one more peek at you. That I stepped back some days and felt in awe of the fact that I could be your mom. That I would take hundreds of pictures of you in an effort to capture just how cute/funny/smart you were, but that no picture could ever fully contain all that makes you so wonderful.

 Happy 20 months, my sweet, sweet girl.

Easy like (Saturday) Morning

Last Saturday, as we prepared for my friend Amanda's arrival, we had one super lazy morning lounging in bed between spurts of cleaning and showering. Meredith was a great sport, going right along with our slow morning by watching some TV on my iPhone. She was so precious laying on our bed in the sunlight. I think I could live in these moments for quite a while.

Thrifting Thursday

I'm so excited to be linking up with Mandy's High on Thrifting Thursday. I love thrifting, but until last week I hadn't gone since before Christmas. Last week, though, I forced myself out the door knowing that even though I didn't feel like it, getting out and finding some bargains would make me feel better. And it did! It really, really did! I went out on two different days and felt like I hit the jackpot both days.

 Day one I got Meredith two adorable dresses, a new pair of shorts and this precious embroidered owl art. The owl will go in the nursery which I"m hoping to redecorate and rearrange to house two kiddos :) All this was $10!

Day two I found so much. All this was $30. For me, I got two pairs of shoes, a skirt from Zara, a tank from J. Crew and a maternity shirt from Old Navy. For Meredith, I found a cute new skirt, pair of shorts and a like new Little Tykes piano which she (and Chris!) is obsessed with.

Such a good thrifting week. Can't wait to go back for more soon :)

First Trimester woes.

The first trimester is rough. I am filled with gratitude and excitement, but it feels like every fiber of my being is fighting against that joy. I am nauseous all day long, dog tired and down in the dumps. I am tempted to say it's harder this time around, but honestly? I think I just forgot. Which makes me nervous. I have only positive feelings towards my last pregnancy. What else did I forget? And that blissful, perfect birth I remember? It probably wasn't so blissful and perfect.

Every morning for the past month, my first thought when I wake up is when I can crawl back into bed, be it for a nap or for the night. Every morning I lay in bed and think of taking Meredith to the park knowing that feat will probably be more than I can handle. Before even getting out of bed, I am resigned to staying in our pajamas all day, watching more TV than my conscience wants to allow and eating whatever crappy, processed foods I can microwave in under a minute.

Laundry, cleaning the house, fixing dinner and calling friends seem like an insurmountable mountain.  So many days it feels like sitting on the living room floor is all I have the energy for. I hate it. I hate that the things that bring me joy- like taking care of my family- feel so impossible. I hate that for Valentine's Day all I could stomach was buttered pasta and not the delicious meal Chris had planned for.

One part I do remember from my last pregnancy- the part where I wonder why God does pregnancy this way. There are so many incredible parts of pregnancy- the initial flutters and eventually the big stretches and kicks, the knowing someone is always with you, the whispering to your unborn child, the playing with pokes and prods. It's wonderful. But this part isn't. Why? Why, when all day long my senses assault me and my stomach churns and my eyes just beg to shut, can I not feel this sweet baby moving and playing inside?

This time around I have a theory. Have you read this article, To the Mother With Only One Child? Oh, this article cut me to the heart and spoke to all that I've felt. Two lines stood out to me the most and I've thought about them often over the past month: "To become a mother, I had to learn how to care about someone more than I did about myself, and that was terrible." and "You’re suffering now because you’re turning into a new woman, a woman who is never allowed to be alone." She articulated so well what I've felt so often over the past 19 months. Becoming a mother shatters your ability to live a fully selfish life. Can I still be selfish at times? Of course. But most of the time, someone else's needs come before my own. Her poopy diaper before my bathroom break. Her cut up food before my first bite. Her morning wake up, not my sleeping in. Her outdoor exploration before my watching Ellen. Some little things, some big things, but in almost all things I put her first.

So my theory with this challenging part of pregnancy is that I am once again being stretched. Once more, my heart is growing to love even more, my selfishness is being scraped away and my desire to have control over everything is redirected. A second baby is going to change life again. I know there are going to be hard days. And while I hate this stage right now and question why it has to be so hard, I think it's preparing me. It's preparing me for the days when all I can do while balancing a newborn and toddler is turn on the TV. It's preparing me for when the meals brought my neighbors stop coming and all I can do is throw a frozen pizza in the oven for dinner. It's preparing me for when I am exhausted and spit-up-covered from a rough night, but still have to face the day with two sweet little faces. It's preparing me for the constant contradiction that is motherhood- frustration, exhaustion, impatience in one moment and then in the next- absolute awe and wonder that life could possibly be so grand.

Life is grand. The blessings that are poured out over me are never ceasing and I honestly can't believe that God could be so generous to  one person. So while I struggle through these days that feel so dark, I take comfort knowing that this too shall pass and that I am being prepared for some special, special days ahead.

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Week by Week

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for all your well wishes over our news. We are so excited and feel so thankful that God has given us another baby to grow. All your congrats were just what I needed. This pregnancy has been hard so far- lots of morning sickness and fatigue and feeling sad. Hearing all of your excitement was just what I needed to hear.

I decided to do a weekly recap this time, but not the typical weekly bump picture. I am straight up copying this idea, though mostly likely not as beautifully. I love the idea because it allows for a lot more freedom in what pictures I use. I get obsessive about each bump picture being the exact same and then, when I'm too tired to change into that exact white tank I bag the project altogether at week 17. Yes, this happened with Meredith. So I think this project is more manageable.

I have two more weeks to catch you up on. I'm 10 weeks now, but this will give you a good start.

Lately.

Guest Posting on Jordy Liz

Today I'm over at Jordy's blog writing about Valentine's Day. I'd love for you to check it out! I can't believe Valentine's Day is almost here. Do you have any fun plans? Chris and I haven't even talked about it yet...

Haight Ashbury

Chris's brother came in town this past weekend, so we took advantage of the beautiful weather and journeyed into the city. We drove around and enjoyed the thrills of some of our favorite hills then stopped to see the Golden Gate Bridge at Crissy Field. There were lots of families and dogs out enjoying the sunshine. Meredith loves the sand and chasing her daddy and the frisbee.

After a bit at the beach, we headed for Haight Ashbury to soak up some hippie vibes. It was a really cool area to explore, though, admittedly, pretty touristy. Definitely worth it for the people watching.

water play.

Meredith's favorite thing right now (at least one of them) is playing with water. She loves to climb on top of the toilet and splash in the sink with toy and toothbrushes. I love sitting at her feet watching her enjoy such a simple pleasure.

Settling in.

 

Between Chris's trip a little over a week ago and feeling a little under the weather this week, it's sinking in that we've moved so far away. As much as I love it here, it's not familiar and it's not family. I am slowly forming meaningful friendships, but it isn't easy. I find myself shrinking inside myself, wanting to burrow in the cocoon of my family. It is with Chris and with Meredith that life makes sense and feels right. There are so many worries of this world and challenges to face that we will get to. Right now I just want to snuggle and read and watch TV and listen to sappy music. Things are good, but change is hard and I think that's starting to sink in. I'll get out of this funk and be back here more regularly soon.

Image via Pinterest