Saturday, March 24, 2012

Saturday morning.

 It's Saturday morning. I've been up with a wee little toddler since 5:45 (whyyyy?!) and as she watches Pooh, there is so much on my mind.

I've said this so many times before, but it's amazing to feel yourself falling more and more in love with the little person in your life. Meredith just keeps getting cuter and more fun and more hysterical. She cuddles. She kisses me on both cheeks (one is not sufficient). She inspects my eyes, nose, mouth and ears naming each body part as she goes. She comes out of the kitchen with a towel over her head. She loves the sensation of walking through the house or riding a swing with her eyes closed and arms outstretched. She is a marvel to me.

Last night we had this perfect family night. Chris grilled our dinner of chicken and veggies. I am so happy my body is once again accepting veggies as nourishment. I filled up on lettuce, tomatoes, asparagus and onions. It felt so much better than buttered pasta and pizza. After dinner we took a family bike ride into our downtown area. We made a quick Goodwill stop and then kept on biking. We found this quiet little subdivision that we rode around and around in, just talking. Once we were home and in Meredith was in bed, we started season 2 of Downton Abbey. So yes, a perfect night. I think all three of us were savoring it.

I wish I could have one more phone call or email exchange with Alanna. I wish I reiterate how important she was to me. How her friendship was an answer to prayer. That I was counting the days until I could hug her and feel her baby kicking during my April visit. I would tell her that she was one of the most selfless and giving friends I will ever have.

Tomorrow and Monday Alanna's friends and family will gather to say goodbye. I hate being clear across the country and unable to go. This week has made me homesick for Boston. I wish I could've spent this week hanging out in my best friend's living room watching her babies play. She would've chatted about Alanna when I wanted or distracted me with Facebook drama when all that was too much.

I've been holding Meredith closer this week. Looking into her eyes longer. Almost every time I do, I can't help but wonder why Alanna isn't going to get this chance, especially because she would've been so darn good at it.

My mom was telling me about a sermon the preacher at her church gave recently and I'm hoping to grab the time to listen to it soon. It's called the Great Celebration of Unfairness. I'm hoping it will help me process some thoughts because all I can think lots of days is how unfair this all feels. 

Today we will (hopefully) have another perfect family day. We will once again load up on our bikes and head into our downtown. This time we'll be going to our farmer's market to get fresh fruits, veggies, a baguette and hopefully hot corn on a stick!


Kristin W said...

Claire...I'm glad to hear you're savoring the small things and pushing through this difficult time. Hold your family close and be grateful for what you have (although I know you are). I'm interested in the sermon you spoke of, and I hope it brings you some additional comfort.

Thinking of you and keep bringing on the adorable growth of baby (I still think of her as a baby!) Mer :)

Anna {dear friend} said...

Claire, I love how genuinely you love your daughter. It shows in every post and it's the sweetest.

I've been thinking about you lots and I'm hopeful you're finding some reprieve in the hard days you've had. I'm glad you're feeling better physically and that you've been enjoying time with your little fam. I love how you appreciate them-- so so much.

P.S. I love this picture you posted today of your belly. You are a beautiful person, inside and out!

Michelle {lovely little things} said...

Thinking of you and praying for your friends family.

accidentally, kle said...

Your grief is so tangible in this post. I do hope the sermon, as well as time, brings you peace. Wishing you many more perfect days x

Valerie said...

Sending you so much love. There were pictures of you with Alanna on the posters they had. I just wanted you to know that.

Bridget said...

claire, your mothering is so totally inspiring. i love how you truly enjoy all of meredith's little moments.

i'm so sorry to hear of your friend's passing. so sad.

Lauren said...

Claire, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her sweet baby. Cherish those sweet moments with your family, they are priceless.

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