Wednesday, January 23, 2013

letters to my babies

My dear Meredith,
Today I watched you gleefully run after and giggle with one of your friends. It shattered my heart. Why? Because your little friend was completely unaware of your affection and excitement. He wasn't being mean or leaving you out intentionally. He was just oblivious. I nearly cried. The almost-tears are probably more because I've been extra hormonal lately, but regardless of that, I was heart-broken. Heart-broken because I know that today was not the first time this has happened and it will most definitely not be the last.

There will be a time, sooner than I wish, that you are left out and actually realize it. It will hurt and you will wonder why. It might make you cry. It might make you made. It might make you shrug your shoulders and move on. I'm hoping you'll do the last one.

Being left out is something you'll deal with forever, most likely. As you chased your little friend around, I stood there, grappling with my own hurt feelings. I was trying so hard to connect to someone and failing miserably. And just like you, this was not the first time this has happened. I remember countless times, especially in middle school and high school, crying with my own mom and dad feeling left out, wondering why I hadn't been invited, questioning why so-and-so didn't like me. Those feelings and questions still pop into my head sometimes, but the difference now is that I have your daddy and you and your brother. It makes me sad when people don't seem as interested in being my friend as I am, but I can brush it off. I can come home and snuggle with you, get kisses from your brother and talk it through with your dad.

Sweet girl, I hope you will do that with us those hard times come. I hope you'll talk to us vulnerably and know that we will listen to you and comfort you the best we can. I hope you'll come home and play with your brother, your best bud. I hope you will know that even if those kids don't treat you as you deserve, you are someone special. Someone with a clever sense of humor, intelligence, beauty, spunk and the sweetest heart. The people you do get to claim as friends along the way will be so lucky. Their days and sleepovers and phone calls will be filled with joy. The people who don't include you and hurt your feelings? It will be their loss.

You will always be our precious girl and we will always be a safety net for when you've wandered out in that great, big world and been met with rejection and frustration.

I love you, Mae Mae.

***

Sweet Mattias,
My chubby, smiley, cheeks-for-days baby, oh, how I love you. When I was pregnant with you, I never doubted that I would love you as much as your sister. Lots of mommies wonder how they could love a second the way they love their first. I didn't. I knew the connection I felt to your sister was instant, instinctual and consuming. 

When you were born, though, it was different.  I loved you, of course. I snuggled you, fed you and wanted to protect you. But that heart exploding, life changing jolt wasn't immediate.  I think my heart had been pretty stretched out by becoming a mama for the first time, so instead of shattering my old-sized heart to bits, you have hunkered deep into it and made yourself at home.

The love I have for you has been a slow burn. Day-by-day, week-by-week my love for you grows. You have won me over with those kissable cheeks, your giant blue eyes and a smile that lights up your entire body. Now I hold you, look into your eyes and get lost. The way you look at me- my heart stops. It's being in love. I am so in love. You make me feel like a million bucks. I don't remember that with your sister. Daily, I receive your kisses and smiles and stares and I am so deeply aware of how unworthy I am. How blessed am I to hold your heart in mine. I don't even want to think about the day when I am no longer the number one lady in your life, but, little man, if you look at her they way you look at me, she will be one lucky lady.

I cannot wait to see the little boy you will be. Already you have so much to say. You are the loudest baby I have ever been around. You are busy. You are constantly jamming toys and fingers and blankets in your mouth, soaking them. But you are also super easy-going. You sleep like a champ (at least in comparison to your sister!). I think you will keep us busy in the days ahead, but I also think you'll somehow manage to also be a calming force.

Mattias, I am so glad you are the fourth member of our family. Life feels so complete with you in it.


6 comments:

Bridget said...

you have the sweetest mama heart, claire. i think it every time i visit your blog.

Becky Wood said...

To your dearest Meredith, you are loved by our family. Madi loves to see your pictures and videos and knows you by name. I dare say she loves you, or loves the idea of you (not sure how much she remembers). Still, I am confident that when you two meet again she will joyfully giggle, run, play, and tell secrets with you. You will always be included here. So tell your mama not to worry. That you will be ok, and you will find good friends in random sometimes close and sometimes far away places. And that chatty loud brother of yours, get excited for him. We had one of those noisy babies and they turn out to be the most hysterical kids who really do say the darnedest things. He's going to light up your household with laughter. You are a very lucky big sister!

jodi inkenbrandt said...

I feel like I always comment the same thing, but it's true, this is chock full of so much goodness. You are an amazing mama and your family is so beautiful. I love your heart for your kids.

Hannah said...

This is ever so beautiful!! Seriously, your mother heart comforts me for the days ahead of stretching my heart for 2... I know it is going to be messy and beautiful! Thank you for sharing this peek into your thoughts!
P.S. I think the same thing when someone gives W a strange look or comments something rude... he doesn't get it yet but it hurts me and I know this is only the beginning...

colleen said...

this was truly beautiful claire. everytime i read these i think how much i'd love to know how my mom felt at the various stages of my life. i wonder what she liked, what she struggled with, etc. these letters are things to cherish forever. and it seems like no matter where their paths take them, M&M are beyond lucky to have your love and support.

Joy said...

I love reading your blog. I admire you so much. I admire your relationship with your parents and your relationship with your children. I hope I can learn to be more like you.

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