First Day of Preschool

Meredith started at a little preschool today. Just once a week, from 9-2. She did great! I couldn't be prouder of her. We said good-bye with no tears and she played happily all day. I can't believe we're already at this point, but I think for us it is perfect timing. A little break for mama, some one-on-one time with the new baby once he arrives and more time for Meredith to meet new friends.

to Meredith.

Dear Meredith,
I've been trying to write you some form of this letter for a few weeks now. I can't figure out how to get into words everything I want to say to you. Mostly, I want you to know that you are at this most perfectly adorable stage right now. If I could bottle up some of the moments we've shared over the last few weeks, I would. They would smell like a sweaty, sandy baby after hours at the park. They would sound like belly laughs and new words tumbling from a toddler's mouth. They would feel like the tight "big tisses" you give me and daddy and the hugs you give your baby brother.  You seem so perfect to me right now.

Maybe it is because I know it's all about to change. I am so excited to be adding to our family, but there is a little part of me that is sad, cherishing these final days as a family of three. We've hit such an easy groove. We can take you to the park and you play independently. We can sit at the dinner table together and have family chats. I lay you in your bed and you roll over and fall asleep for naps and bedtime, which I thought would never happen. You sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star and can't get enough of the Happy Birthday song. You like me to sing Hush, Little Baby before you go to sleep and you'd sing No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed... while jumping on the bed... all day long if I let you. You love trucks and motorcycles and tractors and all forms of transportation (except airplanes still scare you). You still love Mickey Mouse and you still love reading books. You are just so big. Everyone that knows you says it. You are such a big girl.

As our time of just me and you comes to an end, I just want you to know how much I've loved this phase. You are so incredibly special and I am so thankful I get to be your mama. The best part about all this, is that I still get to be your mama, I'll just have a new baby to love as well. You will always be my first born. The baby that made me a mama.

Sweet girl, as you get bigger and more independent (preschool tomorrow!), I just want you to know that my heart doesn't feel big enough to hold all the love I have for you. I also want you to know that I am so proud of the little girl you are. Shy, but sweet. Smart and clever. Reserved, but a flair for the dramatic. You are mixture of so many qualities from our family members. Watching you become the person you will be is a blessing I don't take for granted. I know you'll be great at your next role of big sister.

All my love,
Mama

self-care

I have been so impressed with one of my Boston blogging friends, Nina. She is expecting her first baby just in just a few weeks and in preparation has been thinking about self care. I learned this through her beautiful Pinterest board appropriately titled, self care.  I've been impressed because that is something I had given absolutely zero thought to before Meredith was born and really struggled with after she was born.

Until very recently, I had trouble thinking about what I needed as an individual and even greater trouble making the time for it. I felt guilty asking Chris to take over so I could nap. I never once asked him to do a night time feeding with Meredith. I would fleetingly think about how nice a pedicure sounded, but do nothing to get one.

One of my goals this time around is to take better care of myself. The main reason, for me, that this needs to happen is so I continue to enjoy being a mom and not become resentful towards my role. It's easy for me to become a martyr in my own mind, when I've done nothing to communicate that I'm having a hard time and need some back-up.

So, not this time. This time when I'm exhausted beyond belief, I'll ask Chris to take a feeding. This time if my hair is matted and I've been in pajamas for days on end, I'll see if I can sneak out for an hour and get my nails done. If it's been a long day, chock full of toddler tantrums and newborn screeching, I'll take a quiet walk by myself once the babies are in bed.

I know it won't be as simple this time, with there being two kids to juggle, but we will have to figure it out. When I feel free to catch up on rest or to do something just for myself, I am a much, much happier mama. And I think we all know that a happy mama is pretty important to everyone else's happiness.

What are some things you do to take care of yourself? I loved seeing Nina's ideas and would love to hear some of yours.

image.

crazy.

Meredith then and now :)

This is just crazy. Can't believe we're starting on this journey again with a new little baby to love.

unexpected.

Like a punch to the gut
the weight of missing you
hit me.

As I thought about life's blessings
and unexpected friendships.
I prayed for you,
not even knowing you were out there.

And God delivered.
A perfect fit.
A bright spot on hard days,
a positive outlook amidst my cynicism,
shared enthusiasm and excitement,
love for those I love,
hours in the car
and fudgy brownies

So unexpected was the blessing of our friendship,
and then,
the loss of you.

pregnancy thoughts.

I can't wait for our baby boy to be here. I really, really can't wait. I can't wait to see what he looks like, cradle his tiny bum, nurse him close and smell his newborn smell. And when I say I can't wait- I really can't. I have 6 weeks left and I really don't know how I'm going to make it.

I never felt this way with Meredith. I was so blissfully pregnant. I was excited to meet her, but I was also so happy being pregnant. I was content with her on the inside and felt no rush to escort her out into the world. Not this time.

This time I am tired. This time I have had many body image issues. This time I have been all too aware of every bite of food I've eaten, every new stretch mark and every creak in my bones. This time I have the emotional nesting urges with none of the energy to complete my goals. I walk around my house in circles feeling so overwhelmed my messes I just cleaned up and hate how much of a cycle it all feels like. Laundry, dishes, sweeping floors, making beds. It just keeps coming.

I think, lately, life in general feels like one constant cycle. Days with a toddler have some really precious moments, but they are also very similar to one another. Summer is usually a time for lots of adventures, but for various reasons we haven't had too many of those. Our vacation already feels like it was ages ago. I long to just get away, but being hugely pregnant along with other reasons, that's just not going to happen. And so, it just feels like a waiting game. Waiting for the baby and more content days.

I am always more emotional when I am tired. Add to that a heaping portion of hormones and a bit of loneliness, and I've got myself a sticky situation.

I feel silly in some ways longing for the end of pregnancy. Having two children, I know, will be no walk in the park. I know I will still be tired, just for different reasons. I know the messes will grow and I will only have more laundry, dishes and beds to be making. I think it's just the waiting. And it's also really wanting my body back. I wish I could unstrap this belly for an hour and touch my toes and roll over without moaning in pain and hold Meredith with the strength I used to have and go on a walk without feeling like my hips are ripping in half.

I'm also looking forward to a designated time to slow down. As I've said before (maybe to an annoying extent), making friends here has not been easy for me. 9 months later and I'm just so tired. Of course the effort worth it, but I feel like I have put a lot of energy into making friends that haven't panned out. It feels like a constant push to set up playdates and dinners when I just want to take it easy. When I just want to sit on someone's couch and watch our babies play and not feel like I have to come up with one.more.thing to talk about.

If you were to move across the country, I would not recommend conceiving a child six weeks later. It has felt like so much, too much at times.

But also? So are my blessings. They are so much. Too much at times. The times when I watch my little daddy's girl squeal with joy as he gets home. Hearing Meredith learn to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star with so much pride she could burst. A home that I love and feel safe in. Food in our fridge. Clothes on our backs. Family and friends that love us from far away. New friends. Our health. Knowing that soon, our blessings will be growing exponentially as we expand our family by one. I feel so blessed, so grateful that in less than two months I will have two babies to love and raise.

So while this feels like a challenging time- a bit of wandering out in the desert on my own- I am still grateful for the chance to create and carry life and raise another one at the same time.