Wednesday, August 1, 2012

pregnancy thoughts.

I can't wait for our baby boy to be here. I really, really can't wait. I can't wait to see what he looks like, cradle his tiny bum, nurse him close and smell his newborn smell. And when I say I can't wait- I really can't. I have 6 weeks left and I really don't know how I'm going to make it.

I never felt this way with Meredith. I was so blissfully pregnant. I was excited to meet her, but I was also so happy being pregnant. I was content with her on the inside and felt no rush to escort her out into the world. Not this time.

This time I am tired. This time I have had many body image issues. This time I have been all too aware of every bite of food I've eaten, every new stretch mark and every creak in my bones. This time I have the emotional nesting urges with none of the energy to complete my goals. I walk around my house in circles feeling so overwhelmed my messes I just cleaned up and hate how much of a cycle it all feels like. Laundry, dishes, sweeping floors, making beds. It just keeps coming.

I think, lately, life in general feels like one constant cycle. Days with a toddler have some really precious moments, but they are also very similar to one another. Summer is usually a time for lots of adventures, but for various reasons we haven't had too many of those. Our vacation already feels like it was ages ago. I long to just get away, but being hugely pregnant along with other reasons, that's just not going to happen. And so, it just feels like a waiting game. Waiting for the baby and more content days.

I am always more emotional when I am tired. Add to that a heaping portion of hormones and a bit of loneliness, and I've got myself a sticky situation.

I feel silly in some ways longing for the end of pregnancy. Having two children, I know, will be no walk in the park. I know I will still be tired, just for different reasons. I know the messes will grow and I will only have more laundry, dishes and beds to be making. I think it's just the waiting. And it's also really wanting my body back. I wish I could unstrap this belly for an hour and touch my toes and roll over without moaning in pain and hold Meredith with the strength I used to have and go on a walk without feeling like my hips are ripping in half.

I'm also looking forward to a designated time to slow down. As I've said before (maybe to an annoying extent), making friends here has not been easy for me. 9 months later and I'm just so tired. Of course the effort worth it, but I feel like I have put a lot of energy into making friends that haven't panned out. It feels like a constant push to set up playdates and dinners when I just want to take it easy. When I just want to sit on someone's couch and watch our babies play and not feel like I have to come up with one.more.thing to talk about.

If you were to move across the country, I would not recommend conceiving a child six weeks later. It has felt like so much, too much at times.

But also? So are my blessings. They are so much. Too much at times. The times when I watch my little daddy's girl squeal with joy as he gets home. Hearing Meredith learn to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star with so much pride she could burst. A home that I love and feel safe in. Food in our fridge. Clothes on our backs. Family and friends that love us from far away. New friends. Our health. Knowing that soon, our blessings will be growing exponentially as we expand our family by one. I feel so blessed, so grateful that in less than two months I will have two babies to love and raise.

So while this feels like a challenging time- a bit of wandering out in the desert on my own- I am still grateful for the chance to create and carry life and raise another one at the same time.