Friday, February 8, 2013

A year from now.

A year from now, I will have a nearly 18 month old baby and a three and a half year old. It's hard to imagine what life will look like then. Mattias will be sleeping through the night (he basically is already), he'll likely be weaned and I'm guessing he'll be running around like a little Tasmanian devil. Meredith will be more independent, even more verbal and more social.

Me? I'm guessing I'll have baby fever. I can imagine it now- my two babies very obviously not babies anymore. Distance from pregnancy, having my body back to myself and two kiddos who won't need me quite so intensely? A recipe for wanting more babies. And in a year, we'll evaluate and decide, but me, right now? I want to shout from the rooftops, NO MORE BABIES!

If you've read my blog for any amount of time, you know how much I love being a mom. You know how much I adore my two children. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for Meredith and Mattias and for the chance to be home raising them. That being said, life feels very full right now. I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time. I have moments when I could burst into tears because being needed so much, so frequently feels like too much. I have (lots of) days when I basically toss the kids into Chris's arms the second he walks in the door because that 5:00-6:00pm hour is just brutal. Some days, by the time I've managed to get both kids into the car, I feel like I've run a marathon. Balancing toddler tantrums and discipline with the nursing, bouncing and napping of a baby can feel like too much. I frequently wish Mimi or Neenah were just a quick drive away instead of the cross-country or multiple leg flight they really are.

This week has actually been a good one. Those overwhelmed moments have been slightly less frequent. But even in the good moments, I feel like I should be done. Today, leaving the store, heading to the car, I pushed Mattias in the stroller and gave Meredith a piggy-back ride. I could do both. It wasn't too much. And I had that thought, "Three would be too much."

I hate to think that. I hate even more to say it. I've always said I want three children. I've also always tempered that statement with, "You know, if we're not overwhelmed with two." I can't even tell you how many times I've said that. I've never once actually meant it. It never occurred to me that two would be enough. That two would feel so full.

I love that I can hold both of them. I love that when I get special one-on-one time with Mattias at bedtime, I can hear Chris and Meredith wrestling in the next room. I love that Meredith and I can have our girl time and Mattias and Chris can have their dude time.

So, I don't know. I guess I just had to write this out. I needed it somewhere out of my head so that next winter, when my arms are aching for a newborn, I can be reminded that this winter I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. If we decide to have more, that will be wonderful. If God decides we need more, even if we don't think so, that will also be wonderful. But I don't want to make that decision without remembering that these early months are stretching me and pushing me more than is always comfortable.


Jessica said...

I always love how open and honest your are in your posts!

Lauren said...

I could have written this post myself this time last year. It is nice to be able to look back from this stage of things. Those were hard days, but it does get better :) my boys are 3 and almost 18 months, and they are playing together and developing the sweetest relationship. I have often thought about our moms and wondered how they got anything done with 3 to keep up with. Your kids are precious!

Clare {accidentally, kle} said...

I love your honesty. And I couldn't agree more (but I've always said I'd stop at two). My reasoning is that I have two hands, no more... and I wouldn't want my children to feel like they need to fight for me too much.

Kate (This Place is Now a Home) said...

Oh Claire this post is so perfect. I have always, always wanted 3 (4, really, but I have to say 3 so Benjamin doesn't freak out...). We're obviously still working on #2 for now, so I have no idea how I will feel. Benjamin is fairly certain we should be done with 2.

I don't even care what number we end up with, as long as I feel totally and completely, 100% DONE in my heart. Benjamin has so many compelling arguments for 2, and many are touched on here. A hand for each. A balance between parents and kids. Seats at a table for 4 at a restaurant. So many things just "work" with 2 that are more complicated with more.

I don't know where we'll end up either, but I love, love, love hearing how full and happy your life is with two and I cross my fingers that someday I'll be certain of "the end" as well.

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